I am Worthy - First Steps

 

Setbacks, delays, and obstacles are part of life. We all know this. But when life seems to be nothing but constant ‘no’, when all we seem to have is negative, then it wears on us, stresses us and erodes us emotionally and mentally. It makes us feel worthless and less worthy of our dreams.

How do we stop listening and struggling from the negative and setbacks and get our lives back on track? How do we use all the negatives life has piled on us into something positive?

How do we turn frustration into motivation? How do we turn around after constant blows to our dreams?

Four years ago, I’d planned a new life. I thought I had it all figured out. Unfortunately, I trusted people I shouldn’t have. People who had proven to be less than reliable but I accepted what they told me anyway. I turned to people I trusted for input and advice and was ignored. At one point I was told not to bother them because their problems were so much more pressing and trying than mine. That I was being selfish and self-centered. That still stings deep.

As I was coming to grips with the realization that my new life was falling apart, the pandemic started. I made new plans but the shutdowns and lockdowns seriously hampered my efforts. And now, I’m worse off and dealing with new bureaucracies to get started again.

The loss of my dreams combined with my father’s death brought me very low. On top of that, I had to make a very difficult decision to put my mental health over toxic relationships.

Thing is – I did everything I’d been told I should do. And lost everything.

 

One video call with a friend from high school was enough to change my thinking from negative to positive. She might read this and scratch her head, wondering what she said. It was as much what she said as the simple act of reconnecting with a friend.

It made me realize that there was more to my life than I’d been letting myself see. Talking with her, recalling good moments, having someone listen without passing judgment, and listening to her, changed my attitude. Or at least started to.

I faced my first problem – dealing with VA bureaucracy. I started reaching out to groups for advice, then contacted people I’d served with. When people you haven’t seen in thirty-plus years remember something that happened to you, you realize you mattered to them. That they’re willing to help you can be an amazing shot of morale.

I followed the old saying ‘if you can’t beat’em, join’em.’

I turned my frustration into motivation to find ways to use what I’ve learned to help other veterans. By speaking out about my problems, I realized I wasn’t alone. There are thousands of veterans going through similar experiences and trying to deal with procedures that seem more to hinder than help us. Now I'm applying for jobs where I can do something. Maybe I can make things easier or faster for the next person.

I also started connecting more with authors and readers in the genres and formats I’m publishing in. Yes, it helps my stories get noticed but even more, I learn new ways of reaching readers and what they want in stories.

Then I realized I need to take care of myself. I know better but the past few months I’ve let the depression drag me down and slacked off.

I know I need to walk and do yoga everyday. But I hadn’t been. So I started doing it again. Slowly at first because I’ve learned I can’t jump in full speed. My body doesn’t like that.

But walking in 10-20 minute clips followed by three Sun Salutation rounds is something my body can handle. What my mind and heart crave to center and rebalance. It leaves me calmer and more energized. Why hadn’t I been doing it? I didn’t think it mattered. No, I didn’t think I mattered.

 

Something else I’ve realized – everything I’m doing to get my life back to where I want to be is okay. Even if people don’t like it for whatever reason. I'm doing my own research, asking questions and making plans. For me.

I’m not aiming for blissful paradise where all my dreams come true at once. I’m aiming for being focused, finding a place where I’m able to help others, be appreciated and supported, and taking care of myself.

I am channeling my frustration energy into things that, hopefully, will turn my life around.

I’m remembering that staying connected is necessary. I’m an introvert not an island.

I’m learning that protecting my mental health has to be a higher priority.

Most of all, I’m accepting that I have worth.

After years of feeling worthless, that’s a revelation.